Fully updating .net was one of the first things I tried... and tried again. It's bugging me because I've been knocking around pservers for a long time and can usually solve these issues fairly quickly. However, this poor little laptop has been through hell and back. Maybe it's just protesting.
My desktop motherboard died a few weeks ago. I'm building a new computer in July. So, one way or the other, when I get my new rig together, I won't have this problem. July can't come quick enough.
Thanks everyone for all the help. I still may just figure this out.